Prof M.Cox argues that it’s simply beyond the capacity of ordinary human physiology to keep up meaningless speculation for such an extended period of time. Normally, after repeated regurgitation of random assertions – based on a flimsy selection of facts, the human brain starts to shut down – inured by its own sense of meaningless, and inability to deal with a complex range of variables.

Prof M.Cox also speculated that levels of chat and comments on internet cycling sites were reaching ‘suspiciously high’ levels. The Professor argued that it was simply unbelievable that anybody could have enough time to post so many useless, meaningless and worthless messages, without at least some performance enhancing drugs. “I strongly suspect that some of the top internet chat commentators can only maintain such a ‘suspiciously determined’ post count through the use of common drugs like alcohol, 5 pints of redbull and a generous dose of pro-plus.

However, internet posters have been quick to defend themselves saying that once they started comparing a video of the top pros to their own power output of cycling to the shops, they realise they are single-handedly unearthing the biggest conspiracy since JFK went for a ‘nice quiet car ride in Texas.’

Top commentator ‘thereealldoingit.com‘ claimed he had been in hard training for several years.

“It’s not like I suddenly visited a Spanish doctor and came out with 2,000 meaningless words a day overnight. No, I’ve been making steady progress and building up over the years. But, as well as the all night training regimes, I have a real natural talent for wasting time. It’s the kind of talent others  can unfortunately become jealous of. “

However, fortunately, all internet speculation is now likely to die down after an unnamed top pro cyclist revealed all his impressive achievements were down to a diet of ‘water, broccoli, and a 2,000 year old Indian breathing technique I learnt from this bloke in Madrid’

(Comic XKCD)

Related

• A better class of insult
• Armstrong used rugs
• New study shows chainmail can reduce cycling fatalities 13%
• Fiji to host Tour de France

But, when it comes to insults, cycling has made a woeful contribution, rarely elevating the English language from anything more than  a bog-standard gutter-level curse. In the cyclists’ armour, we are rarely more creative than using a curse word with a random noun thrown in for good measure.

For example, if you’ve taken one too many PEDs, you could describe those inquisitive journalists as ‘A  ******* troll. Generally, this troll analogy, with pre-ambulatory swear word,  should be repeated for approximately 13 years. Then, after 13 years,  you can go on to the Jeremy Kyle show, and say ‘I can’t believe I was so ******* stupid as to get caught.’

Alternatively, if you’re cut up by a white van driver, you may find nothing more suitable to say than ‘you ******* white van driver.’ But, the problem with this is we are descending to the level of foul-mouthed accident-inducing-motorists. As a Cyclist, we always need to maintain our feelings of superiority – and sometimes eating lentils instead of buying petrol, just isn’t enough.

I’ve always had a deep aversion to swearing, but also find cycling provides the hardest test to avoid some unwelcome expletive coming out of your mouth.

The problem with cycling is that we are faced with so many potential irritations – a taxi driver who wishes to use us as target practise, potholes in the road, the triple puncture experience. It’s all there, (and that’s even before we get into the world of those ******** dopers and their lame excuses.)

So, if you find your enjoyment of cycling occasionally curtailed by your limited repertoire in choosing suitably insulting, but non-threatening language, I offer cyclinginfo’s very own.

Shakespearian ‘pic and mix, insult a white van driver with class’.

I’d like to begin by offering a few random insults from Shakespeare’s finest. In the world of cycling, who would be deserving of such an elucidation?

• Thou roguish, earth-vexing, popinjay

• Thou villainous, crook-pated, hugger-mugger

• Thou loggerheaded, onion-eyed, death-token

• Thou fawning,  flap-mouthed, foot-licker

• Thou odiferous, muddy-mettled, ratsbane

Can you imagine cycling forums resounding to the sound of Shakespearian duals?

You Besluberring fool, your earth-vexing Crud Catchers Mk II are no more than rough-hewn imitations!

Cycling forums would be much more fun, if every time you insulted some fellow troll, you had to think of a unique way of doing it.

So the next time, a white van driver tries to push you off the road, just take a deep breath and search for that appropriate Shakespearian retort. Believe me, if we all enhance the language on our roads, I feel this will be a very important first step towards mutual harmony and goodwill amongst men.

Choose one word from each column and preface with ‘Thou’

Apologies for the preponderance of ******* in this post.

Is there no end to this villainy?

Perhaps he was in league with Vladimir Karpets, which brings back the great quote:

‘And Karpets is curtains! (Tour de France Commentators)

Leading onto more classics like:

He was going to go to Quick Step, put perhaps he worried they would walk all over him.

]]> http://cyclinginfo.co.uk/blog/6918/funny/armstrong-used-rugs/feed/ 3 http://cyclinginfo.co.uk/blog/6803/funny/what-bike-racers-should-call-me-tumblr-blog/ http://cyclinginfo.co.uk/blog/6803/funny/what-bike-racers-should-call-me-tumblr-blog/#comments Sat, 29 Dec 2012 10:01:45 +0000 http://cyclinginfo.co.uk/blog/?p=6803 There is an excellent tumblr blog  ‘What Bike Racers should call me‘ – with short quotes and images, which somehow capture so many aspects of bike racing. Any keen bike rider will be able to relate to most, if not all the quotes.

My current favourite is the comic exposition of how being a cyclists can make you useless at everything else. (See: Previous post: the odd science of cycling )

Some areas of the cyclists body can be slightly overlooked

This gif, is me down to a tee. -Tumblr link

I don’t think I’ve ever done a proper sit up in my life.

When someone asks you if you want to go on a walk after you have done a ride

This is exactly how I feel after a long ride.

Check it out and enjoy. What bike racers should call me – Tumblr

But cycling has its very own history of shell suit fashion, corsets and marmite ice cream. These are some things in the world of cycling that seemed like a good idea at the time.

The All over Skin Suit.

In the 1970s, these all over skin suits were all the rage in the time-trialling community. Apparently, dressing up in this figure hugging lycra piece was a couple of seconds more aerodynamic over 25 miles.  Fortunately, we have since invented stylish aero bike helmets – which are both faster and have also solved the problem of looking a little silly on the bike.

Not Drinking water.

For many years, the top training tip of the European continental pros was, wait for it – not to drink any water. Only an amateur would resort to drinking water. A really good training ride was when you could make yourself faint with dehydration and spend 48 hours without having to visit the bathroom. Even organisers of races made it difficult for riders to pick up water. Water was only allowed and considered helpful if it was mixed with a certain percentage of performance enhancing substances such as amphetamines, alcohol and beta blockers. If water had drugs in then the organisers didn’t mind so much. But, plain water – well that was just downright plain cheating.

Eating that raw steak

As late as the 1980s, the conventional wisdom for pro cyclists was that there was no better food for cyclists than eating a raw steak before a short 300km race. Apparently, raw steak was the perfect food for racing.

Using a piece of steak to prevent saddle sore.

Apparently a popular cure for saddle sore was to place a raw piece of steak in your cycling shorts – it provides a natural seat. Though whether this piece of steak was then eaten for the next days breakfast is a matter procyclists seemed somewhat reluctant to disclose.

The bike with Square wheels.

Credit: Stan Wagon

I think this must have been thought up on a late night after quite a few beers. But, it’s one thing to think up a crazy idea, it’s quite another to actually put it into practise. Of course, after creating this bike with square wheels, the inventors soon discovered the great problem it has – You just try getting a square inner tube – nowhere stocks it!
Though to be fair, if you come across a road with equal sized bumps, this bike works just fine, apparently.

Iron Seat Warmer

OK, I’m the first to admit than when it’s just above freezing, the idea of a heated seat could seem like a good idea. But, I can’t help but think this iron is like taking a sledgehammer to crack a nut, so to speak.

The Bike Caravan

What better way to see the country than cycle around with your own bed on the back? No wonder youth hostels were so popular for cycle touring back in the 1950s.

Drugs

Somewhere in the history of procycling someone must have thought, why don’t we all spend 30% of our income on buying drugs so that we can put our lives on the line for a bit of added excitement? Of course, this drug culture was justified on the grounds that it didn’t change the results in anyway. Since everyone was taking drugs, it just meant they could ride events doped up to the eyeballs and take away that sensation of sitting on a piece of raw steak and the interminable dehydration of trying to ride 200km with a single glass of water.

If it takes 10 pills to kill us we’ll take 9 pills.

As the late Tom Simpson used to say, if 10 pills kill me, then I’ll take 9. Unfortunately, many cyclists got this calculation wrong and since they were so drugged up with all the LSD they were taking it meant they saw double and couldn’t count properly.

The Penny Farthing.

OK, the penny farthing looks pretty cool. When a penny farthing goes past you think that looks great. But, how many penny farthings do you see negotiating the streets of London? Cycling is dangerous enough without lifting yourself three feet of the ground so when you fall off a grazed elbow becomes a broken wrist.

Other inventions

Related

• Unusual Uses for the Bike
• 10 Irritating types of cyclists

I’m currently reading Ned Boulting’s ‘How I won the Yellow Jumper‘ – an entertaining look at someone thrown in at the deep end of professional cycling. Asked to cover the Tour de France with pretty much zero knowledge of cycling, Ned endured a crash course in how to talk about a sport you don’t really know anything about.

Cycling is one of those subjects where you have to learn everything by a strange process of osmosis – slowly picking up on the jargon and knowledge as you go along – without ever really admitting you didn’t know about it in the first place. No one is going to sit you down and explain the mechanics of adjusting your brake cable or even worse – NEVER try asking what a peleton is, 1KM from the finish of a Tour de France stage (even if you are my mother – see: Explaining the Tour de France)

I’ve been riding a bike for 20 years, but I’m still not sure how to index gears. But, I dare not ask because at this stage in cycling, you are supposed to be sufficiently skilled to be able to quickly strip down a random 1970s racing bike and convert it into a nice hipster single speed with a flick of a few allen keys.

After all, it’s only fairly recently I’ve worked out the different parts of a bicycle. And that was thanks to a pretty handily marked diagram.

From: Aaron’s site

This cartoon gives some ideas of how we can all learn all about the art of cycling

Cycling cartoons.com

Other ways to learn about cycling:

• Take your bike apart. You will never be able to put it back together, but you will definitely learn your bike is comprised of a surprisingly large amount of different parts.
• Superglue. Did you know 90% of all bike maintenance problems can be solved with either superglue, a hammer or taking it down to your local bike shop?
• Trial and Error. Did you know that no matter how many years you spend cycling, nor how many degrees in bike science you have, you will never be able to learn which way you are supposed to tighten up a front derailleur? There is actually a random element incorporated into these nuts, making you use trial and error every-time. Trial and error is always the best way to approach bike maintenance – unless you try a hacksaw on your carbon fibre frame because contrary to what you might read on cycling blogs – superglue is not actually guaranteed to repair your £3,000 investment.
• Cycling Forums. If you have a reasonable question about cycling – make sure you visit one of the many enlightening, informative and welcoming cycling forums. You can guarantee that you will gain an immeasurable wealth of knowledge on cycling including, but not exhaustive of:
  • Several contradictory answers
  • Three people to tell you that you are a fool for ever asking the question.
  • Two people to disagree with the above and that asking the question was actually perfectly legitimate, but they can’t help with an answer.
  • Two people to start an argument about whether helmets should be compulsory for people over 18 years old.
  • One person to say this is further proof that Lance Armstrong was actually doping since 1995.

  A cycling forum may leave your head spinning, but will definitely teach you everything you need to know about cycling. The proof of this is that actually before the advent of the internet and cycling forums, people had no clue about anything related to cycling, and spent many hours trying to mistakenly superglue tyres on to their wooden rims.

• Professional advice. Listen to what the pro cyclists say and do the exact opposite. Phil Liggett. “Look at US postal on the front of the peleton, how do they do it!? It’s superhuman effort!
• Read between the lines. If you want to understand pro-cycling, you have to learn to read between the lines – Try J.Vaughters article about crossing the white line from the ‘EPO era’
• Fall Over
• You can’t beat falling over for giving yourself some of that real life experience so essential to cycling. You’ll learn that most cycling is about bravado and entertaining stories. No one really cares how many Strava King of the mountains you have, but if you have a good tale about falling over on the descent of the Tormalet, you will be able to come across as a real cycling aficionado.
• Ride a bicycle. A bit revolutionary. But, some people base their knowledge on cycling from repeatedly riding a bicycle. Be careful, though some dangerous revolutionaries like Graeme Obree have been known to end up eating real food like marmalade sandwiches and training for a hour race, by training for one hour as fast as they can. If you’ve spent 20 years in cycling, you should really know you need L Glutamine, maltodextrin, and very complicated interval sessions!

These good knights of Camelot do their bit to promote bicycle safety. Brings a whole new meaning to defensive cycling.

BTW: Remember the Leeds United fan who got a huge oversize tattoo of Eric Cantona a few weeks before his move to arch rivals, Manchester United?

Who says, I will regret this tattoo in a few years? – external link

Not exactly, the first person to mention it. But, going for sale in all good 99p shops.

original Tony Pollard

For example, many good cycling clubs add the suffix Vélo. It is an instant way of transforming the club from a doughty British town into the height of continental sophistication.

Take Rotherham Wheelers v South Yorkshire Vélo

Rotherham Wheelers raises connotations of mugs of tea for 30 pence in a cafe off the A87 after your 6am Sunday morning time trial. South Yorkshire Vélo raises connotations of gleaming Campagnolo and immaculate Italian bikes. (yes, French club, but Italian bikes – I guess all Europeans are the same really)

If you want to be cool in cycling, the farthest you can get from Britain the better. I know Team Sky have done the best to challenge this historical truth. They have this extremely un British habit of being successful and professional. It even looks like the French have, temporarily, become the plucky losers, a mantle they picked up from the old British style. But, no matter how many marginal gains Team Sky make, France will always be the spiritual home of cycling, in a way the British Isles will never be able to.

Example 2.

If you want to prove you are a real cyclist – a genuine Velo connoisseur. There are two things you can do.

• You can shave your legs
• You can drop in French words with disarming regularity into your cycle chat.

‘He was a real grimpeur, but he forgot his musette and bidon and ended up in the Voiture Balai after bonking on the unforgiving Virage’s of the Geant de Provence Mont Ventoux.’

‘The patron of the peleton excelled at the contra le Monde, but…’

(see below for translation)

English (much to the dismay of the French) has undoubtedly made it as the world’s global language. But, for all the universal triumph of English into every Chinese takeaway from here to Timbukctoo, there is something cool about French.

For example, with the help of French, we can say we took ‘un besoin naturel’ – even the most ardent francophobe has to admit that ‘un besoin naturel‘ is a hundred times cooler and more dignified than saying ‘I went behind a bush to take a pee.’
But, how far do we take this love of all things French? Everyday I go to a coffee shop and I’m confronted with this awful dilemma.

If I want a pain au chocolate? do you use a broad Yorkshire accent and pronounce it like it’s written? or do we have to order ‘the pain au chocolate’ with our best imitation of a real French accent, you picked up from 5 years of GCSE French lessons?

The existential angst of deciding how to pronounce often leaves me ordering a chocolate crunch. No messing, just two solid English words. If I do order, a ‘pain au chocolate’ I tend to pronounce the first word in French, but by the third word have descended into English – a kind of unsatisfactory compromise.

Anyway I digress. I must go and suceur de roue for the upcoming Classement general.

French Cycling Terms

• un autobus – group that rides together to finish within time limit
• un commissaire –  referee who makes decisions about race. E.g. allowing a bigger time limit to avoid eliminating whole autobus.
• un coureur  -  rider, cyclist
• un cycliste – cyclist
• un directeur sportif – manager
• un domestique  - support rider, often carrying bottles for leader
• un échappé – breakaway
• une équipe – team
• un grimpeur – climber
• un grupeto – same as autobus
• un peloton – main bunch of riders, near front of race
• un poursuivant – chaser
• un rouleur –  smooth and steady rider
• un soigneur – rider’s assistant
• un sprinteur – sprinter
• la tête de course – leader

Cycling Styles

• à bloc – riding all out, as hard and fast as possible
• la cadence – pedaling rhythm, often referring to high cadence
• chasse patate – riding between two groups (literally, “potato hunt”)
• la danseuse – standing up

Equipment

• un bidon – water bottle
• un casque – helmet
• une crevaison –  flat, puncture
• un dossard – number on rider’s uniform
• un maillot  -jersey
• maillot jaune – yellow jersey.
• une musette – feed bag
• un pneu  -tire
• un pneu crevé – flat tire
• une roue – wheel
• un vélo de course – racing bike
• une voiture balai – broom wagon

Tracks and Courses

• une borne – kilométrique ~milestone (literally, a kilometer marker)
• un col-  mountain pass
• une côte – hill, slope
• une course – race
• une course par étapes – stage race
• une descente – descent
• une étape – stage
• la flamme rouge – red marker at 1 kilometer from finish
• hors catégorie – beyond classification (extremely difficult mountain)
• une montagne – mountain
• une montée-  upward slope
• un parcours – route, course
• une plaine – plains, flat land
• une piste  - track
• une route-  road

Standings and Scoring

• la bonification – bonus points
• une chute – fall, crash
• le classement  - standings
• contre la montre  - time trial
• la lanterne rouge – last rider
• le maillot à pois – polka dot jersey (worn by best climber)
• le maillot blanc – white jersey (worn by best rider under 25)
• le maillot jaune – yellow jersey (worn by overall leader)
• le maillot vert – green jersey (worn by leader in points / best sprinter)

Verbs

• accélérer to accelerate
• s’accrocher à to cling, hang on to
• attaquer to attack, spurt ahead
• changer d’allure to change pace
• changer de vitesse to shift gears
• courir to ride
• dépasser to overtake
• déraper to slip, skid
• s’échapper to break away
• grimper to climb
• prendre la tête to take the lead
• ralentir to slow down
• rouler to ride

Related

• Cycling Terms Explained
• Questions on Tour de France

photo onions top http://www.flickr.com/photos/scaglifr/

photo onions midde http://www.flickr.com/photos/brizzlebornandbred/

If you thought your last cycle ride was tough, just think what it would have been like if you had done it without a saddle. Scottish riders Carlos Riise (Shetland Wheelers) flew down from the Shetlands to ride the Scottish Vet 50. But, in flying 250 miles south he left his saddle back in the Shetland islands, rather than miss the race he just decided to the race without a saddle! BTW: He still completed 50 miles in 2.04.00

I admit I’ve had quite a few difficult cycle rides. The time, I rode the last 25 miles on a deflating rear tyre. The time I rode through 10cm of snow on 23′ road tyres. The time over Ribblehead moor into a ferocious wind and driving rain. But, at least I had something to sit on.    There have also been times when I’ve gone to a cycle race without – pedals, front tyre e.t.c. But, I’ve never left the saddle at home. I don’t think I would even have done a 10 mile TT without a saddle, let alone 50. But, I guess they make ‘em tough in the Shetland Islands.

As one wit on Braveheart forum said. ‘Carlos was riding a UCI-legal position – saddle 250 miles behind the bottom bracket’ (BHF)

In other news, in this photo, Queen Juliana of the Netherlands was captured cycling and having a jolly nice time. I say! cycling seem much more fun than taking pot shots at peasants (or do I mean pheasants ?)

For any couples getting married today, we sincerely wish you all the best, but could we suggest for your honeymoon – why not try a cycling holiday in Milton Keynes?

- Guaranteed fun, eco-friendly and not to speak of all the happy photographers keen to get that unique photo of you falling off at a roundabout.

Now, I’m off to enjoy the quiet roads. Long live Royal Weddings!

Related

• Bikes for Kings and Queens

Photo No known copyright restrictions. from Naational Archive