A Better Class of Insult

Cycling has given many wonderful things to the world – freedom, fun, independence, an economical means of transport, and a way to appear cool even if you have a beard.

But, when it comes to insults, cycling has made a woeful contribution, rarely elevating the English language from anything more than  a bog-standard gutter-level curse. In the cyclists’ armour, we are rarely more creative than using a curse word with a random noun thrown in for good measure.

cycling-bus-lanes

For example, if you’ve taken one too many PEDs, you could describe those inquisitive journalists as ‘A  ******* troll. Generally, this troll analogy, with pre-ambulatory swear word,  should be repeated for approximately 13 years. Then, after 13 years,  you can go on to the Jeremy Kyle show, and say ‘I can’t believe I was so ******* stupid as to get caught.’

Alternatively, if you’re cut up by a white van driver, you may find nothing more suitable to say than ‘you ******* white van driver.’ But, the problem with this is we are descending to the level of foul-mouthed accident-inducing-motorists. As a Cyclist, we always need to maintain our feelings of superiority – and sometimes eating lentils instead of buying petrol, just isn’t enough.

I’ve always had a deep aversion to swearing, but also find cycling provides the hardest test to avoid some unwelcome expletive coming out of your mouth.

The problem with cycling is that we are faced with so many potential irritations – a taxi driver who wishes to use us as target practise, potholes in the road, the triple puncture experience. It’s all there, (and that’s even before we get into the world of those ******** dopers and their lame excuses.)

So, if you find your enjoyment of cycling occasionally curtailed by your limited repertoire in choosing suitably insulting, but non-threatening language, I offer cyclinginfo’s very own.

Shakespearian ‘pic and mix, insult a white van driver with class’.

I’d like to begin by offering a few random insults from Shakespeare’s finest. In the world of cycling, who would be deserving of such an elucidation?

  • Thou roguish, earth-vexing, popinjay
  • Thou villainous, crook-pated, hugger-mugger
  • Thou loggerheaded, onion-eyed, death-token
  • Thou fawning,  flap-mouthed, foot-licker
  • Thou odiferous, muddy-mettled, ratsbane

Can you imagine cycling forums resounding to the sound of Shakespearian duals?

You Besluberring fool, your earth-vexing Crud Catchers Mk II are no more than rough-hewn imitations!

Cycling forums would be much more fun, if every time you insulted some fellow troll, you had to think of a unique way of doing it.

So the next time, a white van driver tries to push you off the road, just take a deep breath and search for that appropriate Shakespearian retort. Believe me, if we all enhance the language on our roads, I feel this will be a very important first step towards mutual harmony and goodwill amongst men.

Choose one word from each column and preface with ‘Thou’

Column 1

Column 2

Column 3

Artless

Base-court

Apple-john

Bawdy

Bat-fowling

Baggage

Beslubbering

Beef-witted

Barnacle

Clouted

Clay-brained

Bum-bailey

Craven

Common-kissing

Canker-blossom

Currish

Crook-pated

Clack-dish

Dankish

Dismal-dreaming

Clot-pole

Dissembling

Dizzy-eyed

Coxcomb

Droning

Dog-hearted

Codpiece

Errant

Dread-bolted

Death-token

Fawning

Earth-vexing

Dewberry

Fobbing

Elf-skinned

Flap-dragon

Froward

Fat-kidneyed

Flax-wench

Frothy

Fen-sucked

Flirt-gill

Mammering

Hedge-born

Huggermugger

Mangled

Hell-hated

Jolt-head

Mewling

Idle-headed

Lewdster

Paunchy

Ill-breeding

Lout

Pribbling

Ill-nurtured

Maggot-pie

Puking

Knotty-pated

Malt-worm

Puny

Milk-livered

Mammet

Quailing

Motley-minded

Measle

Rank

Onion-eyed

Minnow

Reeky

Plume-plucked

Miscreant

Roguish

Pottle-deep

Mold-warp

Ruttish

Pox-marked

Mumble-news

Saucy

Reeling-ripe

Nut-hook

Spleeny

Rough-hewn

Pigeon-egg

Spongy

Rude-growing

Pignut

Surly

Rump-fed

Puttock

Tottering

Shard-borne

Pumpion

Unmuzzled

Sheep-biting

Rats-bane

Vain

Spur-galled

Scut

Venomed

Swag-bellied

Skains-mate

Villainous

Tardy-gaited

Strumpet

 

Apologies for the preponderance of ******* in this post.



7 Responses to A Better Class of Insult

  1. ken Downing February 2, 2013 at 7:51 pm #

    Fantastic,i have printed your lesson so i may when confronted with another of the motoring idiots
    be able to give out a good mouthful of shakespearian #######

  2. Ian Simpson January 29, 2013 at 2:53 pm #

    Very good Tejvan. – enjoyed that post

    It’ll be good to witness the confused looks on drivers faces when they’re referred to as errant, ill-breeding codpieces!

  3. Doug January 25, 2013 at 6:06 am #

    Well said, Sir.

    Methinks giving drivers “the look” is pretty effective.

  4. tejvan January 24, 2013 at 7:49 am #

    Cheers chaps. I tried to find some suitably Shakespearian way of saying ‘ Thanks for the comments’ But, could only come up with

    ‘Cheers chaps!’

  5. Artur January 23, 2013 at 10:15 pm #

    Very classy and enjoyable post! I agree that in these type of instances swear words seem to be the only sounds that come out of a cyclists mouth. Insulting drivers with old English words sounds like a lot of uber fun! Artur

  6. ianmac55 January 22, 2013 at 4:50 pm #

    Splendid! Thou hast produced a first-class posting, ‘pon my troth!

  7. patanga January 22, 2013 at 2:29 pm #

    Tejvan,

    ´Tis an epic post!

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