The Cyclists’ Manifesto

“1.1 Cycle paths should be restricted in width to the distance between the two parallel yellow parking lines. This will ensure a higher standard of bike handling skills from all those pesky, untaxed, undisciplined and most importantly uninsured leaches on two wheels (- UK Ignorant Party)

When not training on my bike, I am looking for cunning ways to pretend to be out when political candidates come canvassing for support. Admittedly this is difficult when the front door is by the TV set. But, watching the endless political punditry, which is on at the moment, is enough to send anyone into the land of inconscience and stupefaction. – So I just pretend to be suffering from a relapse of unconsciousness and it all seems to be fine.

Trawling through the political parties manifesto’s is another activity which can lead to a perilous form of stupor and obliviousness. So I avoided all risk and checked out the Guardian’s potted guide.

To my great joy, all parties managed to mention cyclists (though not necessarily in complementary terminology). I think vague promises to “include the promotion of safer cycling and pedestrian routes in all local transport plans“. (Lib Dems) is somehow going to struggle to change decades of poor provision for cyclists. One can’t help but be disappointed with the all the vague promises which lack any actual detail.

In fact the only really innovative ideas came courtesy of the minority UKIP independence party. Apart from suggesting cyclists be forced to get off and walk (where roads are busy or dangerous – which is well, just about everywhere except those two minor roads in the Shetland Islands during the months of April and May), charging for bicycle parking, and stopping cyclists using roads which are dangerous, the UKIP would also consult on the ‘desirability of minimum third party liability insurance cover for cyclists – a simple annual flat rate registration ‘Cycledisc’, stuck to the bicycle frame, to cover damage to cars and others, which are currently unprotected.‘

Cycle Tax Disc coming soon from the UK Igloo Party – cracking down on petty minded administration and bureaucracy.

I can really see the UKIP party getting the 4WD vote, I mean all those Land Rovers with their dints in the paint work from those who kamikaze cyclists who try to cycle the 4WDs off the road.

Well, it’s one thing to complain about the inadequacy of political parties, but, what would the Cyclists Indpendence Party suggest as a means to create harmony, peace and joy on our roads?

Well off the top of my head what about?

1. Three Foot Minimum for overtaking cyclists.
2. Legal requirements for providing decent cycle parking in accessible areas.
3. Subsidies for firms who encourage cycling.
4. Make Drivers Get off and Push. – To meet lower carbon emission targets, and improve the general state of physical fitness. There should be certain pushing zones, where car drivers have to stop, dismount and push the car through areas which are dangerous. It will give motorists an opportunity to meet pedestrians and cyclists in a zone where they are out of their cars. This would give drivers a new perspective on road use.
5. To Spend half of the road budget on creating a dedicated network of cycle paths.
6. Have a campaign against road drivers who drive inconsiderately. Instead of waiting for a fatal accident to prosecute bad driving why not start prosecuting / fining  for bad driving now.

I could go on, but, I’ve suddenly lost all inspiration. I mean these are all crazy ideas apart from making drivers get out and push. If nothing else, I think it would really help the small car market. I mean it would be a bit embarrassing if you couldn’t move your own means of transport….

Related

• Road Tax UK
• Cycling England