Cycling has given many wonderful things to the world – freedom, fun, independence, an economical means of transport, and a way to appear cool even if you have a beard.
But, when it comes to insults, cycling has made a woeful contribution, rarely elevating the English language from anything more than a bog-standard gutter-level curse. In the cyclists’ armour, we are rarely more creative than using a curse word with a random noun thrown in for good measure.
For example, if you’ve taken one too many PEDs, you could describe those inquisitive journalists as ‘A ******* troll. Generally, this troll analogy, with pre-ambulatory swear word, should be repeated for approximately 13 years. Then, after 13 years, you can go on to the Jeremy Kyle show, and say ‘I can’t believe I was so ******* stupid as to get caught.’
Alternatively, if you’re cut up by a white van driver, you may find nothing more suitable to say than ‘you ******* white van driver.’ But, the problem with this is we are descending to the level of foul-mouthed accident-inducing-motorists. As a Cyclist, we always need to maintain our feelings of superiority – and sometimes eating lentils instead of buying petrol, just isn’t enough.
I’ve always had a deep aversion to swearing, but also find cycling provides the hardest test to avoid some unwelcome expletive coming out of your mouth.
The problem with cycling is that we are faced with so many potential irritations – a taxi driver who wishes to use us as target practise, potholes in the road, the triple puncture experience. It’s all there, (and that’s even before we get into the world of those ******** dopers and their lame excuses.)
So, if you find your enjoyment of cycling occasionally curtailed by your limited repertoire in choosing suitably insulting, but non-threatening language, I offer cyclinginfo’s very own.
Shakespearian ‘pic and mix, insult a white van driver with class’.
I’d like to begin by offering a few random insults from Shakespeare’s finest. In the world of cycling, who would be deserving of such an elucidation?
- Thou roguish, earth-vexing, popinjay
-
Thou villainous, crook-pated, hugger-mugger
-
Thou loggerheaded, onion-eyed, death-token
- Thou fawning, flap-mouthed, foot-licker
-
Thou odiferous, muddy-mettled, ratsbane
Can you imagine cycling forums resounding to the sound of Shakespearian duals?
You Besluberring fool, your earth-vexing Crud Catchers Mk II are no more than rough-hewn imitations!
Cycling forums would be much more fun, if every time you insulted some fellow troll, you had to think of a unique way of doing it.
So the next time, a white van driver tries to push you off the road, just take a deep breath and search for that appropriate Shakespearian retort. Believe me, if we all enhance the language on our roads, I feel this will be a very important first step towards mutual harmony and goodwill amongst men.
Choose one word from each column and preface with ‘Thou’
|
Column 1 |
Column 2 |
Column 3 |
|
Artless |
Base-court |
Apple-john |
|
Bawdy |
Bat-fowling |
Baggage |
|
Beslubbering |
Beef-witted |
Barnacle |
|
Clouted |
Clay-brained |
Bum-bailey |
|
Craven |
Common-kissing |
Canker-blossom |
|
Currish |
Crook-pated |
Clack-dish |
|
Dankish |
Dismal-dreaming |
Clot-pole |
|
Dissembling |
Dizzy-eyed |
Coxcomb |
|
Droning |
Dog-hearted |
Codpiece |
|
Errant |
Dread-bolted |
Death-token |
|
Fawning |
Earth-vexing |
Dewberry |
|
Fobbing |
Elf-skinned |
Flap-dragon |
|
Froward |
Fat-kidneyed |
Flax-wench |
|
Frothy |
Fen-sucked |
Flirt-gill |
|
Mammering |
Hedge-born |
Huggermugger |
|
Mangled |
Hell-hated |
Jolt-head |
|
Mewling |
Idle-headed |
Lewdster |
|
Paunchy |
Ill-breeding |
Lout |
|
Pribbling |
Ill-nurtured |
Maggot-pie |
|
Puking |
Knotty-pated |
Malt-worm |
|
Puny |
Milk-livered |
Mammet |
|
Quailing |
Motley-minded |
Measle |
|
Rank |
Onion-eyed |
Minnow |
|
Reeky |
Plume-plucked |
Miscreant |
|
Roguish |
Pottle-deep |
Mold-warp |
|
Ruttish |
Pox-marked |
Mumble-news |
|
Saucy |
Reeling-ripe |
Nut-hook |
|
Spleeny |
Rough-hewn |
Pigeon-egg |
|
Spongy |
Rude-growing |
Pignut |
|
Surly |
Rump-fed |
Puttock |
|
Tottering |
Shard-borne |
Pumpion |
|
Unmuzzled |
Sheep-biting |
Rats-bane |
|
Vain |
Spur-galled |
Scut |
|
Venomed |
Swag-bellied |
Skains-mate |
|
Villainous |
Tardy-gaited |
Strumpet |
Apologies for the preponderance of ******* in this post.
Fantastic,i have printed your lesson so i may when confronted with another of the motoring idiots
be able to give out a good mouthful of shakespearian #######
Very good Tejvan. – enjoyed that post
It’ll be good to witness the confused looks on drivers faces when they’re referred to as errant, ill-breeding codpieces!
Well said, Sir.
Methinks giving drivers “the look” is pretty effective.
Cheers chaps. I tried to find some suitably Shakespearian way of saying ‘ Thanks for the comments’ But, could only come up with
‘Cheers chaps!’
Very classy and enjoyable post! I agree that in these type of instances swear words seem to be the only sounds that come out of a cyclists mouth. Insulting drivers with old English words sounds like a lot of uber fun! Artur
Splendid! Thou hast produced a first-class posting, ‘pon my troth!
Tejvan,
´Tis an epic post!