A new report by an esteemed professor of journalistic studies, at Bradford University, suggest that recent levels of internet speculation about sprinting lines and maximum power outputs of professional cyclists have reached ‘humanly impossible‘ levels of drivel.
Prof M.Cox argues that it’s simply beyond the capacity of ordinary human physiology to keep up meaningless speculation for such an extended period of time. Normally, after repeated regurgitation of random assertions – based on a flimsy selection of facts, the human brain starts to shut down – inured by its own sense of meaningless, and inability to deal with a complex range of variables.
Prof M.Cox also speculated that levels of chat and comments on internet cycling sites were reaching ‘suspiciously high’ levels. The Professor argued that it was simply unbelievable that anybody could have enough time to post so many useless, meaningless and worthless messages, without at least some performance enhancing drugs. “I strongly suspect that some of the top internet chat commentators can only maintain such a ‘suspiciously determined’ post count through the use of common drugs like alcohol, 5 pints of redbull and a generous dose of pro-plus.
However, internet posters have been quick to defend themselves saying that once they started comparing a video of the top pros to their own power output of cycling to the shops, they realise they are single-handedly unearthing the biggest conspiracy since JFK went for a ‘nice quiet car ride in Texas.’
Top commentator ‘thereealldoingit.com‘ claimed he had been in hard training for several years.
“It’s not like I suddenly visited a Spanish doctor and came out with 2,000 meaningless words a day overnight. No, I’ve been making steady progress and building up over the years. But, as well as the all night training regimes, I have a real natural talent for wasting time. It’s the kind of talent others can unfortunately become jealous of. “
However, fortunately, all internet speculation is now likely to die down after an unnamed top pro cyclist revealed all his impressive achievements were down to a diet of ‘water, broccoli, and a 2,000 year old Indian breathing technique I learnt from this bloke in Madrid’
(Comic XKCD)
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No, really, no-one wonders that.
Is this about Sky/Froome or did you just save this nonsense from 2004 or something?
The echo of the US Postal defender is strong with this one.
hilarious – and then people wonder why some pros are not so keen to post their performance data.